Santa Barbara · Est. 30 March 2026
Six men, three Bills, one group text, and no adult supervision.
Named by a Spanish typo. Escalated to a crest, a domain, and a merch committee. Now, against all reason, a website.
Membership: closed · Speakeasy: openThe founding document
Ratified by group text. Amendments require a quorum of three and at least one round of drinks.
The Society is six. Six is the number of the Society. Anyone can be thrown out; nobody has been, yet.
Tequila and mezcal are holy. Fortaleza is to be bought on sight. A Vesper counts as a food group.
Clear ice, or explain yourself. A photo showing cloudy rocks, small cubes or a “weak ice game” is open for public comment.
It takes four drinks to name an unclaimed cocktail. To rename one, you must drink more than whoever named it.
Muni Tuesday is observed. DT holds a standing exemption on the grounds that he’d rather be underwater. Phelps is on probation.
“Too soon?” is a rhetorical question. The answer is “Never on a Saturday,” and it applies to every other day too.
What’s said in the thread stays in the thread. Huck is not required to read the backlog, and never does.
A trip makes the Log only if at least two members are on it. Solo travel is a photo dump: warmly received, not recorded. Ruled by DT while travelling alone.
Members in (loosely) good standing
Six men, three Bills, one agave-related surgery. Thread rank counts messages since 15 April.
a.k.a. Chef · Le Chef
Minister of Provisions
Earned the name in a former professional life and still works the grill at every MB dinner. Leads the Society in LFGs. Hosted the only MB party to get a visit from the police, who showed up after everyone had gone home.
“You guys have way too much time on your hands.”Chef, on the merch committee
a.k.a. Phelpsie
Head of the Graphics Department
The thread’s most prolific voice and its in-house sticker studio. Found the domain, drew up the merch and presides over the Not French Tribunal. New to golf and not a regular yet, but he has seen the bottom of Lake Tahoe with DT.
“Surprising.”Phelps, on anything DT does near a bar
a.k.a. Huck · Huckleberry
Correspondent, Off-Grid Bureau
Comes back from Catalina, the course or somewhere without signal to sixty unread messages. Once answered all of them three times in a row. Renamed on 23 July after replying to a movie invite with a line from Tombstone.
“I’m your huckleberry.”Huck, accepting the challenge
a.k.a. Danny Four Slabs · Meat Pizza
Founder of the Thread, Bearer of the Spine
Started the thread, hosts the Fourth, books the Christmas Trolley, and golfs so much he calls it his new career (it pays roughly $1 an hour). Ran a half marathon the morning after two pisco sours and three Vespers. And yes: the agave.
“This text thread is like a full time job for me. And I love it!”Dan, 2 July
a.k.a. Patty Four Balls · PFB · Frenchie
Minister of French Affairs (disputed)
From Dunkirk by way of Santa Barbara. Named the Allez Allez Mbappé. Shot 153 at Gray’s Crossing playing four balls (86 on the front nine, 14 balls lost). Drove DT to Tahoe in the van and took the long way home. Founding member of the diving division, with Hawaiian dives alongside DT.
“Just call it French and it sells!!!!”Patrick, to the Tribunal
a.k.a. DT · Dickie
Proprietor of the Speakeasy, Keeper of the Log
Richard → Dick → Dick Townhill → DT. English, works in marketing, and made the typo that named the group. Runs the speakeasy (clear ice at max capacity) and wrote most of the house menu. The Society’s only non-golfer. Dives. Has been Schaberg-ed.
“This thread is comedy gold.”DT, at least nine times
Field guideTo tell the Bills apart: the one at the grill is Chef, the one making a sticker of you is Phelpsie, and the one who hasn’t seen any of this yet is Huck. Collectively: “Da Bills.”
By the numbers · December 2025 to 7 October 2026
An audit nobody asked for. Counts exclude tapbacks.
Messages per member since 15 April.
All messages by hour of day, Pacific time. Peak: 7 PM, obviously.
Official record of pursuits
Who does what, audited by nobody.
| Member | Golf | Scuba | Full-time job | Signature pour | Agave injuries |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| ChefBill Prainito | Mai Tai (the 4th) | 0 | |||
| PhelpsieBill Phelps | Novice | Tahoe | Black Manhattan | 0 | |
| HuckBill Brandon | Severance IPA | 0 | |||
| Danny Four SlabsDan Schaberg | “New career” | Naked & Famous | 1Surgical | ||
| Patty Four BallsPatrick Frimat | 4 balls | Hawaiʻi | Allez Allez Mbappé | 0 | |
| DTRichard Townhill | Exempt | Both | Vesper | 0 | |
| Totals | 4.5 / 6 | 3 / 6 | 2 / 6 | 6 / 6 thirsty | 1 (too many) |
Chez Dickie · the speakeasy is open
The recipes the thread actually argued about. Most are DT’s; the names are whoever got to four drinks first.
Why there is an agave on the patch
Case file MB-001 · Classification: Hilarious
Every family crest tells a story. Ours tells on Dan.
The agave earns its place twice: once for the tequila and mezcal, and once for the afternoon Dan went out to do some gardening and came back with a spine through his finger, and eventually a surgeon.
When Chef posted a monster agave a few weeks later and asked whether it gave Dan PTSD, Dan answered: “Lordie! That looks crazier than what stabbed me.” When it went on the group photo he took it well: “We could have easily called ourselves the prickly bastardos.”
By July he’d sworn off DIY altogether: “I am a bit gunshy though after my gardening incident. I should leave all this bullshit to the professionals.” Two weeks later he tore out Chef’s fence.
Presiding: Phelps · Defending: Patrick, alone
Since June, the Society has been ruling on whether things that sound vaguely or even decidedly French are, in fact, French. The Society’s jurisdiction remains under review.
Born on Long Island. Patrick notes he’s a French citizen. The Tribunal notes this is “like saying DT is American.”
A glossary for new readers of the thread
Dan did to me what I usually do to you guys. I got Schaberg-ed.(DT, 6 September). Dan himself is often caught in the blast radius.
Never on a Saturday.
Just like Muni Tuesdays!
Up and to the right, baby!Step one is usually lemonade at LAX.
Minutes of the merch committee, et al.
OpenThe minimum order is 48 hats, which is 42 more than we need. Agave green is out and gray is in. Navy was vetoed on the grounds that it’s British. Patrick would only accept a smoking jacket.
OpenWaxed cotton, custom embroidered, $300. DT is in, pending “a final discussion, preferably over drinks.”
OpenPhelps’s go-to-market plan: a QR code on every ball, so whoever finds the ones he hits into the rough can order merch. Patrick suggests printing it on the trees at Cito instead.
Format: the Society sits around and talks about whatever comes up, and someone hits record. The pilot would have been the night the Tribunal found the basset hound and the bikini both French. Nobody hit record. Name, host and microphone still to be decided.
Proposed by DT. Patrick’s response was unprintable. Mocked up on Jacques Cousteau, who was made an honorary member that night.
Phelps found magnificosbastardos was available on 30 April and couldn’t believe it. This page now lives there.
A ranch with room for the MB Sprinter van, minus the agave field. On funding, Phelps notes that people may assume an enterprise named Magnificos Bastardos deals strictly in cash.
Name still under debate. Patrick has proposed “Los Bastardos y Las Chicas.” DT’s suggestion was noted and not adopted.
Expeditions, dives & misadventures
What the Society got up to, newest first. New entries go to DT, Keeper of the Log.
5:30 PM. Die Hard is a Christmas movie, which is settled law. DT has offered to recite the entire film at your house as a holiday gift. Die Hard costumes are under consideration. Last year’s ran on 18 December.
Told his installer couldn’t come back for weeks to fit the handles, Dan took a drill to brand-new cabinets himself. Three hours of measuring, and: “Punch the man card, bitches.” Phelps moved for an inspection before any punching, noting that all inspections require refreshments. Dan: “That shit is tight. My OCD ass wouldn’t accept any less.”
Huck’s book club took the house, so the Society relocated. Warm-up beer at Lama Dog at 5:30, Huck buying for the early birds, then on to the Mullet. DT cried off at the last minute, citing meetings and packing, and was awarded “weak sauce,” “that’s bullshit” and a “dude” in quick succession. Dan’s report: “Very chill night. Mullet is pretty cool. Started hopping when we were leaving around 8:30.” Recorded in full by the Keeper of the Log, who was not there.
DT rebuilds the logo as a proper editable file, and he and Phelps go back and forth until it’s cleaner than the original. Custom lock screens follow the next day, because DT is “having way too much fun” with his new design tools.
The professional goes down, following “a momentary point of weakness” and a two-beer, four-Vesper Montecito Club evening the night before. Dan caught himself in the blast radius. Baxter was also affected.
Four months of herding cats, two candidate weeks and one Splitwise later, the Society convened at DT’s place on the seventh hole. Sunday: dinner at Moody’s and a tee time at Gray’s Crossing. Monday: a half-day boat out of Tahoe Vista, then Chef’s steak fajitas for the house and cornhole at PJ’s. Tuesday: Old Greenwood, with a closest-to-the-pin contest on the short par threes.
Beds were allocated by arrival time, the last man in getting the office pullout. Patrick declared himself a snorer and volunteered to share anyway. One set of clubs missed a connection at SFO and was retrieved from Reno by a man who simply tracked the flight and drove.
While the rest of the house went to Gray’s Crossing, the diving division went the other way and got in the lake. The send-off DT posted to the group that morning is not printable here, and the water was, reportedly, cold.
Highlander on the big screen on State Street, after two and a half hours at Joe’s. Patrick, who missed it, proposed a Society tagline: “There can always be more than one!”
The cops showed up at Chef’s right after everyone had left, a first for Bill P. The next morning Dan and Chef tore out the old fence and fit the whole thing in Chef’s truck, earning a double punch on the man card.
Dan “mastered the brat,” then dropped a burned marshmallow and walked it around the house. There was a quarters game. Patrick named the Allez Allez Mbappé. Not one chip in the marble.
Dan buys champagne chambongs for everybody, then reconsiders by morning: “Not sure that was my wisest idea… Honestly, who slams champagne.” He then goes out to beat Patrick and Prainito at golf, head still hurting.
With the Hawaii contingent away, the Santa Barbara chapter finds Dan’s hide-a-key (“your hide-a-key skills need some work”) and opens his bar. Dan, from the islands: “Please… indulge.” Tara, from the same phone: “DO NOT F*** UP MY MARBLE.” Coasters were deployed. As DT put it: “Danny Four Slabs has you covered.”
Patrick drives DT to Tahoe in a commercial van (8 hours 45 minutes). He shoots 153 at Gray’s Crossing playing four balls, and Dan dubs him Patty Four Balls on the spot. He takes the 395 home, down the back side of the Sierra.
DT pitches a beanie, Patrick objects, and Dan mocks it up on Jacques Cousteau. Patrick names him. Phelps: “Honorary member.” The busiest day in thread history.
Dan runs 13.1 miles in Solvang, averaging under 8:30 a mile uphill, hours after two pisco sours and three Vespers. The night before, DT and Phelps had completed what they call the half marathon of Vespers.
First full MB night at DT’s: Chef on the grill, a burger supreme, and eight orange, eight clear and eleven brown ice balls. Next morning Phelps finds the domain is available, and the merch committee convenes on the spot.
Gardening, one agave spine, one finger, surgery, stitches, and a permanent place on the crest. Full report.
DT means to text “Los extraño” (I miss you guys) and sends “Los extraños” (the strangers). Phelps corrects the record, and the chat is renamed seven minutes later.
A trolley, a lot of festive lights and a lot of festive people. It went well enough that Dan booked the sequel in July, five months early.
A 4K restoration and cocktails at El Encanto beforehand. DT warned everyone that he and Aiden recite the whole movie. Dan confirmed: sitting between them is “like stereo.”
Four dives over two days off Lanikai and Portlock in Hawaii Kai, Oahu: 77°F water, 65 feet at the deepest, a lot of green sea turtles and one yellow frogfish. The founding operation of the diving division, a year before there was a Society to found it for.